Through Hurt and Hope
by Shasta627
Summary: With all the pain in their lives, they seek comfort from both each other and in hope. [Killervibe friendship, Caitlin & Cisco]


_**A/N: My reaction fic from the beginning and end of the season combined. Read and enjoy :)**_

It was so sudden, so unexpected; for a while it didn't even feel real. He had been at STAR labs, still working on shutting down some computers and actually cleaning up his desk for once, when he got the call.

It had been from his mom. He had at first thought it was strange that she was contacting him so suddenly. There were no holidays or birthdays coming up, so he couldn't imagine what it was she wanted. But as soon as he heard her voice, broken and grief stricken, his heart stopped. Her words washed over him, and the seconds of silence afterwards stretched into an eternity. He suddenly had trouble getting air, feeling his lungs fill up with despair and sorrow, his heart beginning to crack with the pain of loss while his brain kept repeating his mother's words.

 _Dante es muerto_.

Dante is dead.

It couldn't be true. It had to be some sort of cruel joke. An incredibly facetious one, in his mind. This couldn't be happening right now; things were already crazy enough with Zoom. They had just lost Jay, Caitlin was grieving, and they were trying to find a way to defeat Zoom once and for all. He was too busy to try and deal with this right now. But all these thoughts faded away just as quickly as they came, and he found himself saying in a voice that sounded alien to him, " _Como_?"

He heard his mother's explanation through sobs on the other end of the phone, heard her tell him to come to her house as soon as he could, heard her say, " _Te amo_ ," and heard the click that ended the call.

He could only stand there, frozen to the spot, the phone still pressed up painfully against his ear. The numbness of shock was already setting in, yet his brain was still running, running faster than Barry, faster than Zoom. But only one thought could make its way through the racing chaos in his mind.

 _Dante es muerto_. Dante is dead.

Cisco Ramon had lost his only brother.

·•·

The funeral was held five days after the accident. Cisco had been so invested in trying to comfort Caitlin and the whole Zoom ordeal he hadn't let himself feel anything. He hadn't let himself face the hurt that had been building up steadily inside him, ready to burst forth at any minute. But now he knew he had to face his pain, and he was terrified.

Throughout the whole funeral he had stood still, stoic faced and dressed in a stiff black suit he had only worn once before to his great aunt's funeral. He watched as people stood and gave eulogies to Dante, and listened as people told stories about him and expressed how much he meant to them. Cisco couldn't join them though. He felt as though he lost the ability to speak the moment he had entered the church. He wished he could tell everyone how much his brother meant to him, too, but couldn't. In just the past few months he had gotten to know him better, and they had finally rekindled their friendship. And to have him taken away so fast and so sudden, not even from a metahuman, but from a drunk driver...

A stupid drunk driver who didn't have the sense to think before getting behind the wheel.

Cisco was suddenly aware of hot tears streaming down his face, his shoulders shaking in a silent sob. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out everything around him, trying to block out his sobbing family beside him, trying to block out Dante's picture at the front of the sanctuary, looking so carefree and happy.

After what seemed like an eternity, final words were spoken and everyone began to depart. Cisco, however, stood where he was, and then moved towards the front of the church instead of the back. He stopped in front of Dante's picture and looked into his eyes.

 _I'm sorry_ , he thought. _I'm sorry for what happened, and I'm sorry it took us so long to become friends again._

He felt a hot wave of tears wash over his face again. _I'll miss you. I love you._

Suddenly a hand rested on his shoulder, and Cisco turned around to see Caitlin. She was wearing a simple black dress and a sweater, her eyes glistening with tears, her face a mask of pity and concern. Just the small motion of comfort seemed to make something snap in Cisco, and he felt the careful dam he had built up break as he fell into Caitlin's arms and hugged her tight, letting all his emotions go. Caitlin immediately wrapped her arms around him and held him, rubbing small circles of comfort in his back. Cisco only buried his face into her shoulder, not able to express the gratefulness he felt because of her presence.

"You've always been there for me," he heard Caitlin whisper. "I promise I'll be here for you."

Cisco managed to take a breath and whisper back to her, "We'll be here for each other."

He felt her arms tighten around him (if that was even possible, considering her hold was already crushing his ribcage) and could feel her heart pounding against his chest, overcome with emotion at his words.

The two of them continued to stand there, holding on to each other like a lifeline, the other being the only thing that could save them from drowning in sorrow.

·•·

Caitlin drove Cisco home that night. He had tried to protest, insisting he was fine, but after overhearing his conversation with Barry she could see how much pain he was in.

The Wests had been there for the service, sitting in the back just a few rows behind Caitlin, but only Barry and Harry were able to make it to the burial. They had offered their condolences, which was expected, and then they had left, leaving the Ramons to grieve as a family. Barry, however, had stayed behind. Caitlin hadn't heard everything they said, but she could see the intensity in their expressions and heard a few exclaimed words and phrases, such as, "Why couldn't you?" "Too risky," and "I thought you were my friend."

Cisco had wanted Barry to go back in time and save Dante, and Barry had refused.

Caitlin knew how much Dante's death broke Cisco, and she wished with all of her heart that he was still alive so Cisco would be his happy, goofy self again, yet she had to agree with Barry, that going back and resetting the timeline would have too many consequences. Of course, she would never admit that to Cisco though.

 _It won't be the first secret I have to keep,_ Caitlin thought as memories of her newly discovered Frost powers flashed through her mind. That was a whole different problem though, and she wasn't going to dwell on it until she had to.

She steered her car into the lot near Cisco's apartment and parked, turning her eyes to him as she did so. Cisco hadn't said a word during the drive, which was expected, but the behaviour was just so _unlike_ him that it worried her. She reached over the middle console of the car to squeeze his hand, and the small motion seemed to snap him out of some trance he must've been in, because he tensed, then relaxed, and even returned the gesture.

"Ready to go?" She spoke softly, her voice shattering the sphere of silence surrounding them. He nodded and together they got out and headed to his place, small drops of rain beginning to fall as they walked.

Caitlin had been to his place numerous times before, especially right after the particle accelerator explosion, the first time Ronnie died. The two of them had gone to each other's place almost every day after the accident, either to seek or give comfort for their losses, but after a while they started traveling to each other's places just for the company and fun of it, spending their time together watching movies, playing games, or eating food.

Caitlin realized just how long it had been since they had done things like that, back when their biggest worries were about trying to train Barry and stop ordinary metas. Those things were like a mouse in comparison to the lion of a problem they were facing now with Zoom, plus Dante's death thrown into the mix.

Caitlin unlocked Cisco's front door for him with the spare key he had given her nearly two years ago, and helped him get situated inside. After Cisco had left to change and take a shower, Caitlin began putting blankets on the couch and turning it into a bed. There was no way she was leaving Cisco alone tonight - he needed to be with someone - and Caitlin was willing to stay by his side forever if that was what it took.

As she walked over to the small linen closet containing extra blankets and pillows, she caught sight of a picture frame hanging on the wall next to his cluttered bookshelf. It was a photo of herself and Cisco earlier that year, when he had dragged her along to a Comic Con being hosted in town. Despite everyone being dressed in funny costumes (Cisco included), Caitlin found that she actually enjoyed herself, and had fun looking at all the strange movie posters and bright colors and elaborate outfits. She even told Cisco she would be willing to go with him again if the convention ever came back into town the next year. The smile that had lit up his face afterwords was still etched in her memory.

It had been a long time since she'd seen him smile. Since she'd smiled herself, too. Tears gathered in Caitlin's eyes at the thought of all the misery and sorrow that had so suddenly entered their lives.

 _Maybe_ , she thought hopefully, _just maybe, when things get all sorted out, we can smile like that again_.

She only wished she could make herself believe that hope.

·•·•·

By now, Cisco thought he would be used to the pain. Used to the feeling of unsuppressible guilt and constant aching. But even after everything he'd been through, it was still as sharp and painful as the first time he had ever experienced it. HR was gone, just like Dante. He never thought he could feel like this about HR, but realized that just went to show how much things had changed over the past year.

And now Caitlin was gone as well. All year he had been trying to suppress his vibes about Killer Frost and do all he could to keep his best friend from turning to her dark side, but he had failed.

He knew it wasn't entirely his fault, but there was always the constant voice in the back of his mind, telling him he should've worker harder, tried more, or provided more support. Then maybe she would still be Caitlin.

But even though Caitlin had beat Killer Frost, it wasn't the same Caitlin he knew. She wasn't _his_ Caitlin anymore. His friend who had welcomed him into STAR labs his very first day, his friend that he shared all his thought, ideas, dreams, and occasionally food with, his friend that always provided him comfort and made him smile when he was down. But Caitlin wasn't here to comfort him now.

He wondered where she was right then, and hoped that she could find what she was looking for, cause the truth was he missed her. A lot.

No matter what she said about not having a home anymore, he believed she could always find a home with the team at STAR labs. If only she could just realize that too...

Cisco sighed and took off his black suit jacket, the one he hadn't worn since Dante's funeral. He had been planning to wear it to Barry and Iris's wedding, but since Barry left in the speed force he was afraid that his suit was doomed to be worn to funerals only.

So many things were ending, but maybe there would be a new beginning just around the corner, waiting to take place of the pain this year had brought. Cisco liked that idea. He liked to imagine that somewhere in the near future, Barry and Caitlin would come back, and everything would be fine again. Cisco knew that such a hope could be a dangerous thing, and could provide more pain than before, but he couldn't help but grasp onto it; it was the only solid thing he had right now. And he knew he wasn't the only who held onto hope like that. Smiling to himself, he knew that where ever she was, Caitlin was most likely was thinking the same thing.

·•·

She had told them she wasn't Caitlin Snow anymore, yet she found herself standing in her old apartment, still laying untouched since the last time she had visited nearly two weeks ago. She wasn't sure why she had decided to go there; some part of her brain still considered this her home, but it seemed to have lost all the comfort and familiarness a home should contain. It now felt foreign and suffocating, yet still she stood, gazing at the walls and furniture adorning the space.

After several seconds of standing in silence, Caitlin finally began to move, heading to her closet and pulling out a small bag. She would pack the things she needed and then leave. She selected a few items of clothing as well as another pair of shoes, and shoved some toiletries into the cramped bag as well. Once that was finished she went around to all the compartments where she had hidden money and cleaned them out, producing a large wad of cash after her sweep.

There was nothing else she needed from her old apartment now, but still her feet wouldn't move, as though there was something still holding her back. Once she left, she realized, it would feel like a chapter in her life was closing, never to be opened again. Could she ever become Caitlin Snow again after she said goodbye to her place? But it wasn't just the furniture and carpet she would be leaving behind, it would also be saying goodbye to the many memories that had been made there too.

All too vividly Caitlin could picture everything from her memories. She remembered being so excited to buy her apartment right after she had gotten her first real job at STAR labs. She remembered bringing Ronnie back to her place for the first time, being so nervous and afraid that he was going to judge her for her taste in furniture or something equally pointless. She remembered spending movie and game nights here with Ronnie too, and Cisco joining them once he had become their friend. She remembered collapsing on her bed, sobbing, the night the particle accelerator exploded, and feeling as though her life had completely fallen apart. She remembered Cisco sleeping on her couch so many times after that night, always there to try and comfort her, that it felt strange when he no longer stayed the night in her living room. She remembered all the movie and game nights when it was just her and Cisco, reminiscing about all the good times and creating new ones while they were at it. She remembered the first time Barry came over to join them in their evening get togethers, and how life finally felt normal again. She remembered experiencing intense sorrow, unimaginable fear, and immeasurable happiness all within the walls of the apartment. The whole place was a part of Caitlin Snow. But she wasn't Caitlin Snow anymore, was she?

How could she have ever thought that life would ever be normal again? That she and her friends would ever be worry free and could smile without fear? Her old self had been naive; a hopeful dreamer. Real life was never that easy.

Gripping her bag tightly in her fist, Caitlin began to exit her old home, but them stopped when a picture frame caught her eye. Inside it was a photo of her and Cisco, smiling in front of a large Comic Con banner; a picture that had been taken nearly two years ago. Cisco had the exact same picture in his house, and she remembered how that experience with him was one of her favorite memories. It was only now that she realised a lot of her most cherished memories included him in them, just like she was in his.

Out of everything in her old life, she realized she was going to miss Cisco the most. You're not saying goodbye forever - hopefully only temporarily, Caitlin reprimanded her pessimistic side. But after staring at the picture of them, looking so happy and cheerful, Caitlin couldn't suppress the old feelings of naive hope she had earlier scorned from beginning to form inside her. The optimistic side won. _Maybe_ , she thought, _just maybe, when things get all sorted out, we can smile like that again._

It was a foolish hope, but a strong one - and this time she actually believed it.

Caitlin looked around once again, and knew for sure that it was time to leave. She realized this wasn't the final goodbye to her old life after all. It would always be there, always be a part of her, as would all the memories and people. She probably wouldn't come back to her apartment for a while, but it was comforting to know that it would still be here after she finished discovering who she really was.

She then switched off the lights with a flick of finality, and left, leaving behind everything but her bag, and a small, rectangular picture of hope tucked away in her coat pocket.


End file.
